If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
You Might Also Like
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
What is going on? 😅
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?