Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Selfie
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Note to self: I am a note
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot