Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
You Might Also Like
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?