Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I drew y’all a little something.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.