And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me if I was a dog
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.