Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*