Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Dishonest mechanic?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped