If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.