[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers