Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
@funTweeters
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious