Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
lol
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
my retirement plan is braless
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”