I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.