[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
The glockness monster
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
#merica
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.