live, laugh, laundry.
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song