Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Tony Hawk, age 6
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
No laws when master is gone
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.