Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.