[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
this will hang in the louvre one day
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there