Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
when u come home smelling like another dog