wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Erm…
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
6: are snakes just neck?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.