Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
the composer
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.