If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room