You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu