Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.