Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m listening
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Genius idea!!
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been