i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
can I use a minion as a tampon
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂