Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”