I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.