They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
why does this building look like a guilty dog
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room