Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit