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Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
dictator is short for richard potato
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call