Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
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I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM