*jingles half the way*
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed