If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
(Gaming support cat.)
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.