When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
worst…sale…ever
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.