Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!