Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Close call…
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?