17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
⛄️
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Worst perfume name ever.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.