Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Put a ring on it
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did