I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.