Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler