Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry