TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
You Might Also Like
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.