In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS