My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You Might Also Like
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.