The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
🐕🍷
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.