When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I was just discussing this with my cat
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?