10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign