I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
584.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird