Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
time machine? you mean a clock?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.