This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?